A break from the norm. Not light-hearted stories or updates, just what is on my heart.
I have always said (or rather told myself) that I don't run. That I can't run. I'm just not a runner. I've tried to run and I made it about 10 minutes before I thought I was going to die. For most of my life that was fine. Join a gym, watch trashy tv, drown out my thoughts with music and do the elliptical, problem solved...no running.
But then I had kids. And then I quit my full-time job to be with my kids. There goes the budget for the gym. Now what?
I tried Wii Fit, some videos, some little exercise routines, but nothing stuck. Or rather I didn't stick with anything.
Then Dan applied for the FBI and started training. Running a little over a mile 3 days a week and daily sit-ups and push-ups. He loses over a pant size in a few months.
ugh.
Honestly the bulk of my baby weight came right off. It was that last 5-10 lbs...the belly weight that sat funny on my pants waistline.
So I tried to run. And I hated it. I wanted to quit. I told myself that it just wouldn't work. I told myself that every other runner that I passed was some marathon runner and was secretly laughing at me. Dan tried to encourage and motivate me...it only made me frustrated. I felt defeated, worthless.
How come Dan could just decide to do something and do it? Why did I struggle?
I started to examine my life. I prayed a lot. I realized that I am not disciplined, I am a victim, I don't struggle. I realized that my aversion to running was symptomatic of the state of my heart. I think I can do it all. If I don't think I can do it, then I don't do it. I don't struggle.
I don't recognize my own weakness which ultimately means I don't recognize God's strength. His greatness. When I try to live out of my own self, I deny myself my relationship God. If I never struggle I never get to experience how big and good and kind and sweet and gentle and loving and patient and powerful my Lord and Saviour is...
So I committed to run. I committed to struggle. I prayed that the Lord would help me recognize those lies that I told myself. I prayed that my time would be a sweet time of meditation and conversation with the Lord. I prayed that I would recognize the victories and not be defeated by the setbacks. He has been gracious to answer these prayers. Running has become a sweet time for me. Time to be alone with my thoughts, with the Lord. (Alone time is a rarity for me.)
I love where the Lord has me in life. Every day is hard, but every day is sweet.
Thanks for listening...
3 comments:
Christina, you are amazing! Your honesty and testimony touched me so, and oh, how I could relate. I applaud your commitment, and the way in which you allowed the Lord to give you such deep wisdom. Not sure that I will ever run, but I am learning to 'wait upon' the Lord and not escape when things aren't easy...took me forever to understand 'being crucified with Christ' and being willing to sacrifice my will to pursue God and be 'one with Him'. Again, thank you and may God continue to bless you in such precious ways. Love Lisa
Hey dear! Well said! So I know I have run for a while, but I hated it until after college, then I loved it, then I hated it again after Will. I never thought I would run again after my clot, but I am like you... I quit ecause I didn't "succeed" anymore. But now I go through it, because I love it, only because I know God has blessed me and allowed me to run again when I thought I couldn't. I am slower but I am finally ok with that because it isn't about speed, it is about using my body to go out and spend time in Hos beautiful creation and talk to Him! Taylor
Wow, i needed to hear that. Thank you so much for sharing your vulnerability and weakness.i have always felt intimidated by your incredible strength....and now i am in awe of your incredible honesty and vulnerability!
i may be older but you are so much wiser and i feel so very blessed to be learning from you. i, too, never want to struggle....so i end up not trying...but i have been convicted thru your story that i, too, need that struggle to truly feel God's strength and power in my life. Thank you, Christina, for this wonderful gift you have given me....i love you so much!!!!
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